Chapters of our life

Have you ever had a part of your life that you just had to finally close the door on?

It’s not a fun thing to do and you may be emotionally torn but it simply must be done in order to move on. While I’ve closed chapters of my own life book in the past there was one I was still leaving open to see if perhaps more pages would be filled in. That hasn’t happened. Instead it’s been years of questions without clear answers, wondering what she’s up to and trying to make sense of it all.

For awhile I actually believed she would make some kind of effort – why push us all away? However over time I realized that wasn’t going to happen. It never will. In fact, even with the letter I am going to drop off I don’t expect to hear anything in response. And that is fine, it’s her choice. She is the only one who will have to live with it.

The letter I’m going to write is a closing letter. It’s a way for me to close this chapter of my life. I have thousands of wonderful memories with this person, she was my best friend for practically all of childhood and our teenage years. But people change and grow apart. That’s what happened with us…at least I think. We no longer saw the world the same. Call it different experiences, different perspectives, different perceptions of reality even.

Like I said before – I don’t expect a response. This is just something I have to do for me. I have to put it all out there and tell her that I still feel the same I did years ago, that has not changed. However I want to wish her the best of luck in her adventures and let her know I do still think of her often and hope she can find her own happiness someday. Will we ever be friends again? Most likely not. We’ve missed so much of each other’s lives at this point that with the baggage which still exists it would be a difficult journey. Impossible – no, but hard, yes. Do I want to be friends again? I honestly don’t know. That’s the hard truth. It hurts saying that. But it is the truth. I just don’t know.

As I close this chapter of my life I feel lighter. While I’ll still always be curious what is going on in her life I know I’ll now spend less wasted time thinking about it and checking her online profiles and such for clues as to what is going on in her life. I’ll care less, because the reality of the situation is I’ve spent too much time caring. Maybe she was caring about me the same amount this whole time but I somehow doubt it. When she was going through what she called the toughest time of her life I reached out – even though it was the simplest, most indiscrete way possible – dropping off one of her favorite foods without saying a word. When I went through the toughest time of my life with a newborn in and out of hospitals wondering if he was going to survive there was no reaching out. Maybe she cared but was too scared to communicate in any form. Maybe she didn’t care. I may never know. And that’s alright. I’ve come to terms with that. Heck, maybe my thinking she should have cared is asking too much. I’m not sure.

I’m finally ready to say it. Four year later and that time is now. This is the end of the road for me. It doesn’t mean this chapter won’t have a sequel and reappear later on in life. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. However this chapter, the one I’ve spent the majority of my life with, is closed. This for me is a big “Moment of Truth.” Goodbye friend. I wish you all the best.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: